Opinion: An imaginary interview with Bob Duff

What would it be like if Bob Duff managed a baseball team? An interview with Manager Duff.

ESPN: “Bob, you’ve been coaching and managing the Connecticut Yankee Patriots for over a dozen years now. In that time, you and your fellow coaches have led the team from middle of the pack in a fifty-team league to dead last. Even the West Virginia Mountain Men and the Mississippi Swamp Dogs finished ahead of you. Your fans in Connecticut want to know how this happened.”

Duff: “It wasn’t me. It wasn’t us. It was the previous team owners who mismanaged things. That was before Dan Malloy became the owner and promoted me to manager.  Yeah, it’s true that the coaches under Rell and Rowland worked against them on most issues, but the blame still has to go to Rell and Rowland. That’s the way it is. Owner Malloy is the first in a couple of decades to have control over the entire coaching staff, so we’re working really hard to change things. Really, really hard. Really hard. Did I say we are working hard? We’re working closely too. Very close with all the players. Really close.”

ESPN: “But wait. It’s the coaches like you who have been running the team, and you blame prior owners? How does that work? You and your fellow coaches have been managing the team for the past twelve years, and some of them for thirty years, and the team has never stopped sinking in the standings. You talk home-runs, but all we see are strike-outs. How about some trades – say, some solid hitters for the whiffers you have now? How about trading that first baseman, Perone, for instance? He’s been a no-show for several years. Most of his fans don’t even know his name or what his stats are. How about some new blood to turn things around?”

Duff: “No, no, no. Okay so our team has fallen into the basement, but by working hard – really, really hard – we can turn the team around. Sure, many of our fans have left. The stands are almost empty. Maybe because Malloy and I hit them with the two biggest ticket price increases in our team’s history. More and more fans are switching allegiance to other teams, like the South Carolina Low Landers and Florida Surfers. I know they think we will never win again. But you just wait. Just watch as we continue to work hard – really, really hard.”

ESPN: “But you’re already talking about raising the price of hot dogs and Cracker Jacks again, even charging the fans extra to travel back and forth to their seats. Ticket prices are among the highest in the country. Even the parking charges are astronomical. You’ve cut the team roster, like letting your star outfielder, GE, go to the Massachusetts team. No other team has had such a continuous string of losing seasons and kept their managers. Do you think the free ice cream you started offering is enough to make them want to keep you? Maybe it’s time to step down and let somebody else manage for a while.”

Duff: “Absolutely not! Hey, okay, you think I’ve resided over a truly dismal record. I get that, but I’ll try some more. I’ll try hard, really hard. I just bought a book that can help me. It’s called “Managing for Idiots.” It tells me how to scape-goat by using others, how to make a terrible on-field decision seem logical during the after-game press conference, how to blame the bench players for our loses, and how to cover up our team’s errors. I’m ready to continue managing. I just hope there are enough fans left to support me. I know owner Malloy will. He loves me.”

ESPN: “Um…Okay, coach. I think we’ve got the picture. Now we’ll to go to South Carolina to interview all your former fans. See what they think about their new team. Good luck with next season.”